37 Things

One of my friends recently sent me a link to a post on Buzzfeed, “37 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Old,” with a note at the bottom: you can still do a couple of these. I am not sure what she was trying to say to me, but looking over the list, I am glad to say, in my old age I will have very few regrets.

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.

I traveled plenty. I plan on traveling some more. And yes, on the day I die I am sure there will still be a list of places I want to see, but at least I have seen the San Fernando Valley. Beat that.

2. Not learning another language.

If I can master Klingon in the next twenty years, I will die a happy woman.

3. Staying in a bad relationship.

Well, don’t worry because I can’t seem to stay in any relationship.

4. Forgoing sunscreen.

Ok, so yeah, this may be upsetting at some point in the future.

5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians.

Unfortunately most of my favorite musicians are dead, or done performing, so this one is totally not my fault.

6. Being scared to do things.

Unless we are talking about anything involving spiders, I am not afraid.

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.

You mean waking up at 4 a.m. every day to go running doesn’t demonstrate my devotion? Good God, what do I have to do?

8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.

I think I took care of this when I decided I am only going to go for women. And Mary and I are going to run away together and start a harem. Problem solved.

9. Not quitting a terrible job.

But I love my job. I don’t think that should count against me.

10. Not trying harder in school.

Seriously??

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.

Were??? Wait a minute! I don’t like where this is going….

12. Being afraid to say I love you.

Every time I have ever loved anyone, I assure you, they were told.

13. Not listening to your parents’ advice.

I don’t think I have to wait until I get old to regret this. It still makes me cringe, but yes, my mother was right. Almost every time.

14. Spending your youth self absorbed.

I thought I was supposed to love myself. Isn’t that what they teach you in school?

15. Caring too much what other people think.

I gave that up when I turned 30 for the third time.

16. Supporting others’ dreams over your own.

But what if you share a dream? Then what?

17. Not moving on fast enough.

From what? Buzzfeed you have to be more specific here. Are we talking about moving on from an ice cream truck? Because I never want to move on from that. But if we are talking about moving on from an oncoming bus, then maybe you are right. As I am laying on my death bed I may regret that.

18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.

Why would I hold grudges with those I love? There are plenty of strangers in the world for that sort of thing.

19. Not standing up for yourself.

Have you read my blog? I mean, it is basically one long rant against everything. In fact, I probably should sit down more.

20. Not volunteering enough.

Just today I volunteered to watch Tanya’s baby. And three years ago I volunteered for a friend’s bake sale. I am practically a saint.

21. Neglecting your teeth.

Ok, so this one made me laugh. If you know me, you know why. If you don’t, then don’t worry about it. Move on to number 22.

22. Missing your chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.

Great, Buzzfeed, way to make me cry. I hope you feel good about yourself now.

23. Working too much.

I think I was born this way. Not sure if I could do anything about it. Not to mention, if I am having too much fun I think the masochistic part of me becomes slightly miserable.

24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.

I can bake an awesome cookie. Does that count?

25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.

Alright fine, you are right about this one too.

26. Failing to finish what you start.

I will have no such regrets. I finish things so well I have even bludgeoned a few things things to death. I do nothing half way.

27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.

Yeah, I am kind of clumsy. But I think that is a party trick onto itself.

28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.

I may or may not regret this one. First I should figure out what is expected of me, and then I can think about whether or not I conformed. I will get back to you.

29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.

I honestly have no idea what this even means.

30. Not playing with your kids enough.

Trust me, I play with them enough.

31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).

How many of these do I have to take before I won’t regret it?

32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.

Really? Again, how many of these do I need?

33. Worrying too much.

Fine.

34. Getting caught up in needless drama.

The entirety of my drama at the moment is a college losing my transcripts. Somehow I don’t think this is what Buzzfeed had in mind.