Category Archives: children

They Have Had Enough

I was totally going to blog about Petrarch, Ovid, and Spenser, and yes there is a connection. I just read an amazing article that a friend sent me, and I have all sorts of things to say about it. But I will reserve that for another day. I am exhausted. Instead, I will tell you about my children which are equally as fascinating as Ovid I am sure.

Children like stability. When they begin getting shuffled around, especially when they are little, it is hard on them. My children are still too little to understand the days of the week, and every morning they must ask where they are going, who is picking them up, and at which home they will be staying. This is very stressful for them, and since, as I said, they don’t understand how the days work, they also don’t understand that certain things happen *every* Monday, and *every* Tuesday, etc., nor do they know when Monday is.

To aggravate matters, my crazy schedule demands even more shuffling around. On the days I work until ten at night my mother picks them up from school, and they spend the night at her house. You don’t have to be a parent to realize that picking them up after work at close to eleven at night, pulling them out of bed to drive them across town, only to get them back into bed close to midnight, and then yank them out just a few hours later is a bad idea. Not only does my mother spoil them rotten in the evenings, when morning comes, since she has nowhere she needs to be, the children get to sleep in until they naturally wake up to the smell of fresh eggs and honeyed toast (where were my fresh eggs and honeyed toast growing up?).

Needless to say, the next morning when they must return to being brutally awakened before dawn, they are less than pleased. Not to say I am brutal about it, but I think any time someone must wake that early the process is rather brutal.

Poor little things get schlepped back and forth between three different houses, sometimes two in the same day, and it is not difficult to see that they have begun acting up. They are exposed to different rules, expectations, bed times, routines, and even clothes. They are confused, perhaps even angry about it, but as I explain to them, this is just the way things are. Because I don’t know what else to say.

And how can I expect two small children to adopt my “it is what it is” mentality that took me decades to hone? Because for me it wasn’t so simple. It is what it is? Oh no! I willed, and forced, and contrived, unaccepting of circumstances, no matter how much out of my control. And I was a grown woman!

Yet while I make leeway for dissension, I can’t help but explain that temper tantrums and tears will not solve problems, make the week move forward any faster, change the course of where they will end up that evening, or help them spend any more time with whichever parent they happen to prefer at the moment (after force bathing Ally and threatening Ducky with a sponge, I don’t think I am going to make Favorite this week).

Also, after having been made to walk about six blocks to Starbucks, they are, to say the least, disgruntled. Tonight they were supposed to see their Nana… but instead, because I have the day off from work, they got taken around town. To show their appreciation Ducky threw himself on the ground as we were crossing Wilshire Blvd (huge intersection), and instead of trying to help me pick him up Ally decided she would throw down her juice cup and stand there as I wrestled with them across the street, essentially stopping traffic for about five minutes at what would normally be rush hour in the middle of Los Angeles.

I think they have had enough of their mommy right now.

Learned Behavior

Tanya and I were at the mall and we went into Forever 21. As we were walking around she said “I remember being here with you before, and we were looking for the elevator, but I don’t remember why.” I reminded her it was because I had the kids with me in the double stroller and thus could not use the escalator. “Oh yeah! Your kids are so well behaved sometimes I don’t even notice they are there. I hope I get that kind of a kid.”

First of all, my kids certainly have their moments. By which I mean they can be little terrors. But yes, for the most part they are well behaved, quiet, and polite. Not to steal their thunder, but I think this has more to do with me than them. I have always thought a child’s behavior is reflection of the parent. I am not going to go as far as creating a dichotomy between “good” and “bad” parenting, but simply state that discipline comes from the parent, and behavior is indicative of said discipline. In other words, my kids know what they can and can’t get away with.

Of course there are those times when they are overly tired, or hungry, or something, and they just have an all out cry marathon regardless of where we are. But they are still very young and have difficulty controlling strong emotions. Nevertheless my daughter, who is now approaching three and a half, has started knowing better. She knows when she has a temper tantrum in public it is not alright. She also knows that if she has a temper tantrum in public we will leave immediately, and she will get a time out. Put these two things together and guess what you get? That right, less temper tantrums and more self control. My son is still a little too young, but he too is coming to understand that there are consequences for his actions. There are things we do, and there are things we don’t do. Period.

This does not mean that they will always get it right. This doesn’t mean I won’t give them hugs and kisses when they cry and try to make it better. I understand that some things can be overwhelming or frustrating for them. This does not mean that their individual personalities aren’t taken into consideration. But practice makes perfect. The more children are socialized, and realize what is appropriate, and what is unacceptable, the more prone they will be to get it right. Children want to please, especially their parents, so if they start understanding what type of behavior makes you happy, they will be more likely to do it. I am not going to go too much into the psychology or even methodology of this since there are numerous books out there, written by professionals, that outline this very issue, but I will say that behavior is learned. It takes time on your part, but the outcome is very much worth it.

 

Home School Sheltering

Home schooling is a very touchy subject, so I will start this post letting everyone know I am about to be very offensive to some. I do not mean to. If you are looking for pros and cons and objectivity, this is not for you. I have an opinion, and a stubborn one at that.
 
With that said, I am in no way trying to tell you how you should school your child. Home schooling works very well for some people. I have friends and neighbors who have had great success with the method. My kids are currently in day care and far from joining the ranks of school age children. But when they do, I will be sure to send them to public school.
 
Here is a little back ground. Growing up I was very sheltered. To the point where I had not really come into contact with other children until I was six (God forbid I caught a cold). And then it took me about ten years to figure out how social interaction works. In fact, I am still trying to figure it out.
 
There are certain things children learn directly, or indirectly, in a school setting that just cannot be replicated in the home. I have no problem dabbling in the world of academia. When it comes to other people’s children. I am a mother, and therefore partial and biased. As far as I am concerned, my children are perfect and brilliant in every respect. Which is why I need someone else to burst their little bubbles and identify the problem areas where they need improvement.
 
Home schooling provides too sheltered of an environment. Even when there are multiple children. I think kids should be exposed to being around people who they are not immediately related to, and who do not have a vested interest in their well being and pending success.
 
They need to come into contact with the school bully (but only briefly). They need to make and lose a few good friends. They need to know that not everyone has their best interest in mind. 
They need to learn that they must share, and not only with their family or those they care about.
 
Currently one of my daughter’s favorite books, Pinkalicious, has a wonderful line “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” Sometimes you do everything you are supposed to, and in the end you get cheated with no fault of your own. Sometimes there are things you are just not good at. And someone needs to tell you. You may be great at science, but can’t write a short story to save your life. You may be well coordinated, but really a terrible dancer. Someone needs to tell you that too.
 
As a parent I want to be honest with my children, especially when it comes to their skills. But also as a parent I am ill equipped to do so. Every poem they will write will end up on the fridge. I will clap and squeal at their dances. I will praise their artwork. And all of this will be genuine, because they are my babies. Someone else needs to tell them if their art won’t be in a museum any time soon (and I am going to refrain on my commentary on contemporary art). They need to know what their strengths are. But they also need to understand their weaknesses.
 
Once in a while they need to be misjudged. They need someone to tell them they won’t succeed, or that what they are doing is no good, so that they may try harder. They need a few unfair teachers, and they need to enter a system that just doesn’t care about them.
 
I want my children to grow up and become well adjusted individuals with a real sense of how the world works, not a skewed picture of how they grew up with mommy, daddy and their siblings at home. I mean, what kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t let my children experience getting screwed over by the world at an early age?