Category Archives: life

I Remember

It has always been about Chaucer. But somehow I forgot. He was the reason I majored in English. I knew I would since I had first read him in ninth grade. He was the reason I went to grad school. But I forgot that too.
My personal statement for grad school was a revised version of my undergrad one that basically read “I want to go to your school because I want to take your amazing Chaucer courses. And I am totally willing to do all that math and science stuff beforehand if that is what it takes.” It worked.
And as soon as I was able to take my upper division English classes, Chaucer was the first one I signed up for. And then I took another. And another. Along with a few seminars for good measure.
I remember I had one Chaucer final on my birthday. Best present ever!
And then somehow I forgot. I went back to school, but apparently Chaucer isn’t important anymore, and no one teaches him in grad school. So I put him away. But I couldn’t stay away. I had to finagle him into something. Because I am resourceful. And a little obsessed. But mainly resourceful.
I started looking through all of my Chaucer papers, and notes, and I realized how much I enjoy this. How much time I wish I could spend on this. How much I want to dedicate to this.
A few weeks ago as I was talking to someone about the doctorate program he asked me what I want to specialize in. I didn’t really know. I knew it would be early literature. But there was nothing in particular standing out. I guess “all of it” isn’t an answer to that question. The two authors that immediately came to mind were Donne and Marvell because I wouldn’t mind. And they have always been my default. But really? I wouldn’t mind? That sounds like a terrible reason to dedicate your life to something. Because I wouldn’t mind. That is how bad marriages start. I mean, I guess it is not as bad as specializing in Gibson or… dare I say Meyer. (Is this is a thing now? If so, it really needs to stop). And I am sure I would have done it. And enjoyed it. But I wanted something more than “I wouldn’t mind.”
I know I forgot. But now I remember. And it feels so good to be this excited again. For the past year my love of literature has nearly been beaten out of me, and replaced by motions. But as I sit here playing around with ridiculous amounts of obscure research I feel a happiness I haven’t felt in a long time. Oh… so this is what it has all been leading up to. That moment, in the middle of the night, when you realize what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

Priorities

It’s funny how priorities change. When I was younger I didn’t know. Actually, when I was younger there is a lot I didn’t know. How life changes is definitely on that list.
I have always known I would get married and have kids. But I always assumed this would happen after I finished school and had my awesome career under way. Some of that did indeed happen. I finished my BA prior to marriage and kids. And the beginning of a future career was happening.
I was in the middle of my MA when Munchie came along. I decided to stop school, because apparently giving birth mid semester is a bad idea. Who knew? But I was certain I would return in a few months. Well, to my further surprise a few months after Munchie was born, Ducky was en route. Again, I thought it best to wait. Ducky came, and I resumed my burning path towards success.
But it wasn’t the same. Success, somewhere along the way, became redefined. I am not sure when this happened, but at some point, in between changing a diaper and preparing a bottle, school was no longer the end all of life. Success started being defined through my new role as mother, and school got shifted to a means towards a career, and that as a means for providing for my family. A better career means a better life for my family. My education and my career still define me, but only in a parts, with the largest part being allotted to hubby and kids. I am a wife, and a mother. Oh, and I went to school and have a job too.
Ten years ago my priorities were school, then work, and if I ever got a spare minute in there, then the third priority was my personal life. Now my kids are the most important, on par with my husband, then comes my job, and somehow I manage to squeeze school in there. Sitting in class last night I couldn’t remember with any certainty of when this happened. Was it when I found out I was pregnant? Was it when Munchie was born? Or was it a slow process that came into existence at some point after that? I realized what an amazing process it must have been. And I wasn’t even aware it was happening! Hubby is right, I am oblivious.
How has your life changed? Were you aware of the change as it was happening?