Category Archives: relationships

Lessons on Marriage

Sometimes you learn things after the lesson is over. It took me two divorces to learn about marriage.

If you marry someone who wants to control you, marriage is not going to make it stop. If anything it exacerbates the situation and the other person feels entitled to the control. You are married, and now you belong to them.

My best friend’s dad has been with his girlfriend for twenty years. They don’t live together. They communicate daily and see each other a few times a week. For years I thought there was something wrong. How could such a thing work? Surely there is a problem. Her birthday was a few weeks ago and we all went out to dinner. I don’t see them as much as I used to when we were younger and my friend lived at home with her dad. But seeing them together I realized how much they love each other. Sure they only spend a few days together per week, but when they want they can see each other as often as they please. Their communication is just fine. They share their spaces while also keeping their own, spending time together and then retreating into themselves. They have been happy together for twenty years. I finally understood.

Marriage isn’t about the amount of time you spend with the other person. You can be in the same room with someone and both of you existing in different places.

If someone wants to be with you they will. If they don’t, marriage doesn’t solve or prevent that problem.

There is compromise and then there is losing yourself. I guess this goes with the first thing I said in this post, but it reaches beyond control. This is when you try to placate the other person while slowly erasing yourself. As you give up more and more and witness the joy of your spouse, you believe it is for the best. Until you are briefly reminded of those things you once were. But you can’t have both. Marrying someone who doesn’t like you the way you are is eventually going to break the marriage.

While a big part of marriage is love, a large part of love is like. You can’t really stay in love with someone you don’t like. And you can’t stay married to someone you don’t love.

Letting your spouse talk you into giving up your dreams only leads to resentment, especially if you had those dreams before you met your spouse.

Marrying someone you are not physically attracted to creates a whole different set of problems. Yes, this sounds shallow, but if you have to be dragged into the bedroom every night on the verge of tears, one of you will eventually end up on the couch.

All of these points sound like common sense. Except, surprisingly, they are not. And sadly they are not things you can learn outside of experience.

Lonely Memories

Not long after I got home I felt so lonely tonight, it was unbearable. I lay on my bed, thinking sleep would come and tomorrow would be better. There is always something to look forward to tomorrow. But laying on my bed made the loneliness that much more striking.

Then I started wishing the man I want was next to me. I miss him. But there is nothing I can do about that. At some point (hopefully soon), I can just force myself to stop thinking about him, stop fantasizing about what might have been, stop trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I remember the night things ended. I had spent all day yelling at him via text. Oddly enough, even as I continue feeling as though I had done something wrong, I don’t regret saying what I did. I needed to say those things. That evening Sean was around, and I asked him to come out with me. We went out for drinks. He hadn’t replied yet, but I am not stupid. I knew what was coming. And before morning it came.

But it wasn’t my text tirade that did it. Most men are used to that sort of thing occasionally. In fact, by most standards, I am pretty mellow. There must have been something else about me that just didn’t suit him. And that is the part I can’t change. I can apologize for angry texts, but there is no apology for the way I am. This is it. This is what he gets. Take it or leave it. And he left.

It has been a while, and he probably has someone else. As much as I think about him, I try not to think about that. It leads to all sorts of useless thought paths. I just think of him as he was with me.

There must have been a time when he wanted me the way I wanted him. Why else would he have stayed so long? No other explanation makes sense. I still wonder if he thinks about me. Maybe sometimes. Maybe not at all. If ever, I wonder if they are happy memories. I think I brought him joy at one point.

Our relationship was far from normal, but it sort of worked. It would probably work a lot better now. A day late and a dollar short. We didn’t have a compatibility issue (at least not one I was aware of), but seemed to have a massive communication issue. Neither of us communicated very well. Ever. I mean, we talked about things. We talked about so many things. I guess that is one of the things I miss. But I think we both had different ideas about what the other wanted. At least that is the way it sounded. Except I think we both kind of wanted the same thing, just phrased differently, if at all.

One of the things I think he wanted I couldn’t give him at the time. It took him leaving for me to do what I had been too scared to do before. And then it was done, but he was gone. As for the other things he may have wanted? I don’t think I will ever know. And hopefully one day I will stop speculating.

 

Newest Brand of Masochism

I think I have invented the newest brand of masochism. It is a rare strain where I think about the man I want to be with twenty times a day for no other reason than to slowly torture myself fully knowing I will never see him again. Every time I see something, read something, go somewhere that I think would interest him, I not only think about it, but then take it one step further and begin thinking about how nice it would be if we could talk about it. No, fleeting images and memories are not enough, not for the true masochist. This special brand of masochism comes complete with tearful what-if moments and scenarios.

What better way to spend the middle of the night than thinking of all the joys we could have brought each other and how I screwed it all up.

I should go into business with this sort of thing. You need something screwed up? Just send it over. “But is it absolutely perfect” you say. No, no, just send it over, I will take care of it for you. Won’t be perfect when I am done with it.

I guess my problem has always been my criteria. I was never compatible with my ex husband, even when we really wanted each other. Then the man that followed didn’t want me the same way I want him. Well, not in the end anyway.

So I have decided from now on, if I ever choose another man, I will use Skip-Bo as a determining factor. The rules of Skip-Bo are not terribly complicated, it is the strategy that gets everyone. Just like sudoku, all you need are basic counting skills, but the logic involved can get pretty intense. The way I see it, if a man is dedicated enough to me to learn the game and figure out how to beat me, not only has he proven devotion, but also high intelligence, and therefore is worthy of my time.

Not to mention a game of Skip-Bo takes forever, so that will give us plenty of time to talk, and for me to weed out any incompatibility issues.

In the meantime I will do the only thing I seem to know how to do, and fantasize about what I had with him, and what might have been. Then maybe I will go to sleep.