Category Archives: sick

Drained and Thriving

My dad has been very sick lately, and I haven’t actually come to terms with it. I mean, I am not in denial. Not in the real sense of the word. I am aware of what is happening, and the possible outcomes. I am aware of several dire possible outcomes. I am at the hospital three to four days a week. But it just hasn’t sunk in yet. Then today it got worse. I can’t even bring myself to write it out as I am still absorbing it myself.

I haven’t actually dealt with it openly until now. He has been in the ICU for over two weeks, but I have kept it for the most part to myself. Outside of people who needed to know, only a handful of people closest to me were privy to that information. Part of me was hoping for a quick recovery, and then nothing would even have to be mentioned. But as we are entering the third week, it seems less and less likely.
At first I was shocked when I found out my dad went to the ER due to kidney failure. Then I found out he has been having it for some time and he just neglected doing anything about it. Now the consequences have multiplied and kidney failure has turned into a cascade of other ailments.
So far every day or two something else has come up, and it is never good. Today is no exception. There are times I feel so emotionally drained, I feel like I have been gutted. I will sit for hours feeling empty. There is nothing I can do. I can just watch and be there. Except I feel that even doing that is not enough. In between everything going on I feel as though I am not really anywhere. I should be spending more time with my dad. I should be spending more time with my kids. But if I don’t take a few hours each week to myself I am going to lose my mind. I should be doing more around the house. I should be doing more. But there aren’t enough hours in the day. And I am so very tired.

After visiting him today I sat in my car at the hospital and cried. I sobbed like a little girl, scared and confused. But then I stopped. He didn’t raise me to give up. And he didn’t raise me to feel hopeless. Until the end there is always hope.  I can’t solve his problems. I can’t cure him. I can’t even make him well enough to come home. But I can make him feel better. I can make him happy, even if only for moments at a time.

I went online tonight and ordered numerous books he might enjoy to better pass the time in between seeing doctors and having procedures done. I can’t bring the kids to the ICU, but I can bring many pictures. I can’t be there every day, but I can make the most of it when I am there. I can show him the strong daughter he raised. I can make him proud. I can make his last days meaningful. There is in fact nothing I can do, but I can still do everything I can.

This is Normal…

I have been coughing for well over a month now. This happens almost every year. Needless to say, everyone asks why I don’t just go to a doctor. Again, this happens nearly every year, and has been since I was very young. I have been to the doctor for this almost two dozen times. But, after numerous coworkers and friends endlessly urged that I see a doctor “for the love of God!” I decided to go. I went, and what did the doctor do? The same thing he does (or she does, depending which doctor I go to) every time.
Doctor: You are coughing.
NOTE: Very perceptive.
Me: Yes… and I have been for a while.
Doctor: Have you taken cough syrup?
Me: Yes. I think I am on my third bottle.
Doctor: What about cough drops?
Me: Yes, I keep some in my purse.
Doctor: Cold medication?
Me: Well, I no longer have a cold. But when I did, I took some DayQuil, and I got better.
Doctor: I am going to have you take some x-rays.
*** I let them take some x-rays of my chest***
Doctor: Your lungs seem fine.
Me: So, more cough syrup?
Doctor: You can keep taking the cough syrup, if you like.
NOTE: Who likes cough syrup?? Seriously? I practically gag each time I have to take it.
Me: Do you have any suggestions?
Doctor: Would you like an inhaler?
Me: Will it help?
Doctor: Um… probably not.
NOTE: This right here folks, is why I don’t go to the doctor every time I cough endlessly. This is what happens every time. Every time!
In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with me. Except the whole coughing my lungs out bit. I asked him, and he said my coughing sounds normal. I am going to interpret this as being how I am supposed to sound. Does that mean there is something wrong when I am not coughing? Should I be coughing year round? Is there something wrong with the rest of you because you are not coughing? Should you be?
I went to the doctor with one question and came back with five. And I don’t think my original one was answered either. So, six?

Stuff! Like The Magazine, Except Way Better

I have had crazy writer’s block lately, so in my incapacitated state, I have not done a lot . However, I did a little, and here it is. For your viewing pleasure.
Stuff I Pinned. I am putting it at the top of the list this time. Because these pretty pictures are better than a lot of my writing right now.
There is something going around. And this can help.
If you have any great topic ideas for me, share in the comments.