I was reading Vicki’s blog, Laugh Lines, where she mentioned finding a new bra that is guaranteed to naturally enhance your breasts two sizes through battery operated pulses and vibrations. I was obviously intrigued and immediately went to look at the product.

Yes, it does in fact promise larger breasts, however, the caveat is that you have to wear this thing all day, every day for an extended period of time, and the demonstration looks rather violent. What woman doesn’t want to feel molested each time she puts on her bra? Also, should I experiment with this thing I will have to rely on my pretty face to distract people from my breasts that will appear to be thrashing around in my top, perhaps reenacting some sort of historical battle. Hopefully everyone I know is well socialized enough not say anything and simply stare at the ceiling while we talk.

Vicki says it makes you look like you have cats running through your undergarments. Why, that is a brilliant idea! I can forgo the $100 lingerie altogether and simply stuff my bra with kittens! Gigi and Mephy are both around the same size which should work very well with my proportions. Instead of those Victoria’s Secret sachets I have been placing in my underwear drawer I will make my own from catnip.

Unfortunately, unlike the fancy vibrating bra, my kittens don’t guarantee natural breast growth. And, once they become too big to comfortably fit inside my shirt (as if having cats in your shirt is ever comfortable), I will have to get more kittens. I know that sounds like a fantastic idea, but much like my undergarments, my living room can’t accommodate any more cats.

And after I finagle my cats into my bra (no small feat!) I will have my very own mewing soundtrack wherever I go. Maybe I can get the kittens to mew in chorus, and in sync to the rhythm of my twitching bust.

Or, you know, I could just continue wearing regular boring bras and not attack strangers with my chest. Maybe. Or I can wait and see how saucy I am feeling in the morning and go from there.

In the meantime I need to go wash my hair since it was apparent this morning that my gnomes seem to have gone on vacation. If I am going to wear cats in my bra, I need to have shiny hair.