I know January first has come and gone, and I should have posted my list of resolutions earlier, but I like to give these things a lot of thought. Resolutions cannot be taken lightly. Not to mention, considering my first resolution in this list, this is most appropriate. So here are six (maybe seven, depending on how you count) things I want to accomplish this year. You can too.

I don’t think I procrastinate enough. In fact, I don’t think I procrastinate at all. This is a problem, especially since my efficiency has actually cost me more work in the past. For example, I have completed homework assignments the night they were assigned, only for the professor to change her mind the next day. That was fun. So this year I shall put off absolutely everything until the very last second and then stressfully attempt to get everything together in as little time as possible. Surely this will lead to brilliant work.

I have been told I dress nicely. Obviously this has to stop. This year I will stop caring about how I look. I will at all times appear as though I have just been run over by some large vehicle. I will stop ironing my work clothes – in fact, I will stop wearing work clothes altogether. All of my presentable outfits will hang in my closet indefinitely while I roam around in sweat pants and frumpy shirts.

In order for the above to transpire, I shall purchase slovenly clothing, staring with sweat pants. Also some frumpy shirts. Do you buy them like that or do I actually have to make my own? Do they come with instructions?

Evidently I can’t look disheveled while sporting full make-up. This too has to come to an end. I will only wear enough make-up to look my age (or reasonably close), but not enough to seem attractive. Oh no, not the natural look. That would be too easy. I plan on wearing color palates to utterly clash with my skin tones, and eyes. Blue eye shadow, purple lip stick, and just the wrong shade of blush.

In a continuous effort to demoralize those around me I shall stop looking at the bright side. From now on I shall mope constantly. Starbucks put too much coffee in my cup? Woe is me! Do they even understand the delicate balance of coffee to creamer ratio? The trouble I will have to go to in order to spill some of it out. The burden they have placed on me! Raining you say? I hadn’t noticed as my tears far outnumber the wet drops outside. Now I can’t wear what I had originally intended. My day is ruined! Ruined, I tell you! As I shake my fists at the sky. Oh the tragedy! If only it was just one day. But now this has offset the entirety of my week. No, you cannot possibly understand. I am doomed. We are all doomed. Doomed I tell you!!

I too often underestimate myself, but no more! From now on every single thing I do will be considered a feat of the greatest importance. Today for example I accomplished a billion things. I had to go to the grocery store and the post office. You cannot even comprehend the difficulty that that entailed. It took me the longest thirty seconds of my life to put on my sweatpants and mismatched make-up. Then I had to drive an entire one and a half blocks. And I had almost no time since the post office closes at five and I didn’t even leave the house until 4:45. It was the worst day of my life!

I don’t think this list is long enough.